Just give me one good reason.

I’m not sure exactly on what to feel. I feel liberated and...

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 23:58:33 +0800

I’m not sure exactly on what to feel. I feel liberated and all, but this word brings back a lot of memories. It also reminds me to stop and breathe for a moment when things get too rough.

Breathe. Just breathe.

It’s a stress-reliever, no doubt. “Did it hurt?”, people asked. It did. But the kind of pain it gave me was a familiar pain. It was tolerable after the first few letters. You get used to it, like all other pain you feel. Once it’s painful for a while, you put up with it anyway because there’s nothing left to do but feel it.

This is a reminder for me to keep holding on, even it hurts. I’m at the brink of falling off an edge, I’m not even sure where it leads. Hopefully heaven, I pray. Glad this happened so spontaneously, like everything in my life right now.

If YOU see this, I’m sorry you had to. It wasn’t meant to be shown to you. But if you must know, this was something that was completely MY choice and nobody else’s. It’s better than killing myself, so hurt myself instead. hahaha.

Family. Love. Life.

Fri, 22 Feb 2013 01:24:00 +0800

I must say that it has indeed been a while since I’ve let my feelings out. But in a nutshell, I’ve been lost. Lost in such a way that I find absolutely no purpose in my life. It’s not like I’m being useful. I don’t feel that I am. Then again, it’s probably my fault. It always has been. I can’t seem to pull the positivity tab out. It’s lost deep deep down, with all the shit that’s been happening.

One. I don’t understand why I’ve been so ignored, but every time I do something “wrong”, they magically appear just to tell me off and criticize me. They focus on all the wrong things I’ve been doing, but never focus on the actual hard work I put to the things I actually live for. My friends, my org, and even my school. They get mad because I’m home late all the time, yet they’re never home anyway. They scold and question “who the fuck allowed you to take the car” when they designated me to do sisterly duties and never stopped nagging me to get a license. I wanted to take my time. I had my reasons, but they pushed for it. They threaten me with the things I love, because I smoke. He said, “Smoking is the same level as premarital sex.” tangina. talaga? So if I go sleeping around, is it really the same thing as smoking a fucking cigarette? Tingnan natin. If only you knew the reason I smoked was because of you and the stress that you put me through. I know, these things are not something to complain about because others have it worse than I do, but they don’t realize the damage they’re causing with these little things. They don’t realize how much they’re pushing me away by doing that. They’re not only pushing me away, but one by one, our whole family will separate. They don’t see it but it’s starting. Close minded fools. I’m sorry your reverse psychology parenting style doesn’t work on me. Actually, I’m not that sorry.

Two. Everybody around me seems to be slowly getting what they wanted. I know it’s kind of selfish to think this way but, what about me? I want things, too. I do sacrifice a lot to help the people I care about. Maybe I care too much. I keep thinking to myself, “what am I doing wrong?” People keep saying, “Berns, you’re such a good friend.” But that’s the thing. Is that all I’m ever going to be? That’s all I’m ever going to be. A good friend. Friend. It kills me inside to see that so many people find that love I’ve been searching for so long. I thought I almost had it, but no. It wasn’t the one. I was just a really good friend. A good enough friend to just use and throw away because I was all used up. Seeing my sister who never cared about love or boys but now cannot stop talking about it, it makes me lose more hope for myself. Might as well end up as a nun, or go through Single Blessedness for that matter. It depresses me that I may not find anyone else because everything keeps going back to you. All the memories were unforgettable, as much as I wish they all were. I don’t want it to because it reminds me how much of a fool I was to think that someone could actually like me, more than a friend, the same way I liked him. I continue wear that mask to show that I am over it, but from time to time it still kills me.

Three. With everything that’s happening, I don’t see any purpose for me to be living in this world anymore. I’m not productive. I’m not happy, like, genuinely happy. I wish I were, but the negativity outnumbers everything. So many loved ones have passed away, and I always just wish that I could take their place. I don’t deserve this life. I don’t deserve to be complaining about my life, and yet I still do because I’m selfish. I don’t deserve to live. And those people that passed away are in deep need from their families. They’re gone when they are needed the most and here I am, wallowing in dispair, drinking to fall asleep and scratching myself because I’m not happy. Might as well die na rin. I wish that I will be able to see the light. To see that the fog has finally lifted. (Yes, it’s from Tangled.) They say things get better in time. But what if, this time, I don’t want it to get better? I just want this all to stop. I want it to end.

So maybe I’m not in the right state of mind right now, but typing it down helps me release. While you’re scrolling through your oh-so-wonderful-tumblr-pics, you’ll see this really long blog on some unsatisfied girl with overreacted crushed dreams and initiating suicidal thoughts, so just keep scrolling. Keep scrolling like I would.

upcast: Catch these films, and more, at Castellations at...

Fri, 19 Oct 2012 02:23:51 +0800

Sirip by Kim Camelo to be shown on October 27 and 28.

Agos by Samanta Lee to be shown on October 27.

Japayuki by Rizzi Gorospe to be shown on October 27.

Dress Code by Paula Nicole Dans to be shown on October 28.

Lacuna by Ana Gaddi to be shown on October 27.

Anti-Rebel by Ash Mahinay to be shown on October 27.

upcast:

Catch these films, and more, at Castellations at Vinyl on Vinyl!

This time, we’re bringing twice as many films for this two day event. Tickets are pre-sold at P150 or you can get them at the door for P180. For ticket questions and/or reservations, feel free to contact us at 0919.991.4528 or at 0915.259.9553.

You may also visit the events page for further details.

See you there!

relatableblog: If you like more relatable post on your dash!...

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 01:02:40 +0800

relatableblog:

If you like more relatable post on your dash! follow this awesome blog!

Amen. Time to move on, again. Again and again.

Somehow, I came across this song and just fell in love with...

Tue, 16 Oct 2012 16:47:15 +0800

Somehow, I came across this song and just fell in love with it.

It gives you that holy-shit-I-can-just-die feeling that’s sort of happy.. Weird.. But true.

Perfect song for standing in front of a view and just letting go.

A quote from a song I randomly wrote. And currently been taking...

Tue, 16 Oct 2012 13:23:04 +0800

A quote from a song I randomly wrote. And currently been taking up too much space in my mind. Ugh. The bittersweet taste of infatuation.

Photo

Tue, 16 Oct 2012 13:19:13 +0800

kthxbyeninja: Every Filipino should watch this documentary....

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 01:04:17 +0800

kthxbyeninja:

Every Filipino should watch this documentary. Dear Philippine Justice System, why do you keep on failing us?

I am appalled to know that we put innocent people in jail and yet, we let the guilty ones free! I can’t stand the sight of an innocent man paying for sins he did not commit.

Justicia para los inocentes! Justicia para las víctimas!

Screening Schedule:

SM Screening:

Cebu Cinema 5
October 05, 2012 12:00 PM , 2:45 PM , 5:00 PM , 7:15 PM , 9:30 PM

Mall Of Asia
October 05, 2012 8:05 PM , 10:00 PM

Megamall Cinema 11
October 05, 2012 2:30 PM , 4:50 PM , 7:10 PM , 9:30 PM

North Edsa Digital Theatre 11
October 05, 2012 1:10 PM , 3:15 PM , 5:20 PM , 7:25 PM , 9:30 PM

Southmall P200.00
October 05, 2012 11:50 AM , 1:40 PM , 3:30 PM , 5:20 PM , 7:10 PM , 9:00 PM
Other Mall Screenings:

Robinsons Galleria | Oct 3-9
Screening Time: 01:20 MF | 03:30, 05:40, 07:50, 10:00pm

Robinsons Ermita | Oct 3-9
Screenings Daily: 12:00, 2:00, 4:00, 6:00, 8:00, 10:00pm

Greenbelt 3 | Cinema 4 | Oct 5-7
Oct. 5 (Fri.) – 3:00, 5:00, 7:00, 9:00 & 11:00pm
Oct. 6 (Sat.) – 1:00, 3:00, 5:00, 7:00, 9:00 & 11:00pm
Oct. 7 (Sun.) – 2:30, 4:30, 6:30, 8:30 & 10:30pm

TriNoma |Cinema 4 | Oct 5-7
Screenings Daily: 12:40, 2:45, 4:50, 6:55, 9:00pm

Alabang Town Center (ATC) | Oct 5-7
Screenings Daily: 2:10, 4:20, 6:30 & 8:40pm

I’d rather not dwell on my strong emotions and how fucking pissed I am, so I encourage everyone to just watch this. There isn’t much time. This documentary can truly change our system. True, it’ll change slowly, but we’ll get there. Tiwala lang.

lovequotesrus: EVERYTHING LOVE

Sun, 07 Oct 2012 19:48:16 +0800

lovequotesrus:

EVERYTHING LOVE

“A soulmate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or...

Sun, 07 Oct 2012 19:21:30 +0800

“A soulmate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity,^[1] similarity, love, sex, intimacy, sexuality,spirituality, or compatibility.” (According to wikipedia) haha.

Sometimes you know, sometimes you don’t.

It’s been about 6 years since I’ve known you. We connect. We relate and share similar problems. We can hang out every day and not get tired of each other. We can lie on the same bed and not feel awkward about it. We can talk for hours on the phone until we fall asleep. We don’t talk for a number of months but when we meet again, we just pick up from where we left off. We don’t expect anything from each other, it’s just there. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be with you. It’s just, it’s amazing how we have that connection. It’s a connection that’s actually scary. I dream about you and it happens. I think about talking to you, being in a whole different country, place, world, and out of no where you talk to me. It’s amazing.

They say that somewhere in the past life, you were split in two and just scattered to some part of the world. Some spend their time trying to find their other half; others just meet them out of the blue. I’m not quite sure whether I’ve met mine, but it is possible.

But that’s the thing. You don’t always have to end up with your soulmate. That’s not how the world right now goes. It is possible to find them and not be with them, as long as they’re still part of your life. That’s good enough. In fact, it’s great. You can be with someone completely different; someone who changes you for the better and lets you experience new things. You can be with someone who makes you feel like you’re not like everyone else, who makes you feel special. That’s the beauty of life. Confusing, yes. But the beauty of it is that even if you’ve found your soulmate, you’re able to share that special tingly feeling with someone else. The only problem is finding that other person. That builds another journey that I have yet to discover.

Photo

Tue, 01 May 2012 19:26:10 +0800

Mess We’ve Made by AJ Rafael —Calming yet full of...

Tue, 01 May 2012 19:02:19 +0800

Mess We’ve Made by AJ Rafael

—Calming yet full of anger. Confused.

(Verse 1)

I’d been so strong for so long

I could handle everything

Now that you’ve gone through that door,

I can’t see anything

Oooooohh

I swallow my pain

Oooooohh

Nothing’s the same

(Chorus)

Let this come crashing down

There’s no way to fix it now

We’re lost in the crowd

and our love will soon decay

Just look at the mess we’ve made

We both know that we can’t stay

(Verse 2)

I was hoping that this would last

I guess i was wrong

Ohh

I planned out our future together

But now that’s all gone

Ohh, oooohhh

Another mistake (another mistake)

Ooooohh

We’re both to blame (we’re both to blame)

So just let this come crashing down

There’s no way to fix it now

We’re lost in the crowd and our love will soon decay

Just look at the mess we’ve made

We both know that we can’t stay

(Bridge)

Ohh,

Everything we ever had now is ending

I didn’t wanna have to say our goodbye (didn’t wanna have to say goodbye)

Baby, It’s best we let this go

Trust me

(Chorus)

It’s better if we just let this come crashing down

There’s no way to fix it now

We’re lost in the crowd and our love will soon decay

Just look at the mess we’ve made

We both know that we can’t stay

I’m sorry but I can’t stay

Just look at the mess we’ve made

Oh the stars. Used to give me hope. Somehow, I’ve lost...

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 23:58:33 +0800

Oh the stars. Used to give me hope. Somehow, I’ve lost it.

#andthedramastartsagain *sigh*

And no matter how much it hurts, I just want you to be happy. :)

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 23:51:25 +0800

And no matter how much it hurts, I just want you to be happy. :)

HAHAHA. Oh, the irony.

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 00:39:00 +0800

HAHAHA. Oh, the irony.

Maybe it's a bitter wind, a chill from the Pacific rim

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 00:33:27 +0800

It’s been a while since I’ve gone on tumblr… Kinda miss it. haha

In a way, it’s kind of a good thing. Not being on tumblr means I’ve been fine. Like, legit fine. But I guess there’s always a limit for everyone. Not everyone is that fine all the time. Tumblr helped me cope a lot this year. And I did realize that my whole year pretty much revolved around coping: living in Cebu, school, UP, college, bisaya-speaking people, going home, missing home, missing people, bittersweet drama, leaving, and everything around it. That’s a whole lot of coping for one person to take at once and I can’t believe she still tries to keep a smile on her face, hoping no one notices. No joke, it’s difficult. But I guess it pays to at least try and make your life worth living because there’s a whole lot more to learn.

Thank you 2011 for a whole lot of things. Thank you for giving me the experiences that I deserved. Although there were some I did not understand, I guess I did deserve it. Thank you for showing me the people who stayed even if I left, who still connects even when I’m away. Thank you for the new people that arrived, the ones who I can add to my circle. Thank you for making me realize the more important things in life. You made me realize how stupid you can be following the wrong path, as much as you thought it was the right one. You made me realize the consequences of my actions. You taught me how to breathe, even when it seemed like someone was choking you. You made me realize that sometimes, to be able to undersand something, you have to go through it. You can’t just sit there and watch. And most of all, thank you for just passing already. It’s been one hell of a year and it’s about time to start over. heehee.

It’s a new year and I guess it’s time to make newer and wiser decisions. I’ll let go of whatever happened in the past, whether it mattered or not, but I can’t and I won’t forget what it has taught me. Everything happens for a reason. Whatever is meant to be, will be. If not, eh di not. haha. It’s so easy to say all these lessons, but it takes wayy more time to completely understand it, accept it, and live it. I’ll admit I’m still in the process.. I’ll be fine, in time. It’s ironically nice taking time to ponder after trying to forget everything. In times of confusion, you have to look back at what you’ve gone through and how you dealt with it. If it’s something new, you shouldn’t be afraid to explore. Step out of that box. Stepping out of that box has been a constant struggle in my life. I guess that’s the 2012 resolution.

Anywho, this post was merely for expression purposes, not for anyone to read but in case you do, well, you did. Kinda my normal-yet-not-so-normal emotionally unstable and super malabo self at the moment after watching my ever so dramatic show, Vampire Diaries. Now, off to sleep. Goodnight!

Photo

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 23:36:09 +0800

Photo

Sun, 04 Dec 2011 00:25:01 +0800

Photo

Sun, 04 Dec 2011 00:15:04 +0800

Things happen for a reason. It would be nice to know that reason.

Sat, 26 Nov 2011 23:59:21 +0800

I guess they really do happen for a reason. But maybe a perfect explanation would be nice.

To think I kinda trusted you with everything…

Don’t get me wrong, I still do now. It’s just.. overwhelming and somewhat unexpected. :o

Ohwell. :)