I’m not sure exactly on what to feel. I feel liberated and all, but this word brings back a lot of memories. It also reminds me to stop and breathe for a moment when things get too rough.
Breathe. Just breathe.
It’s a stress-reliever, no doubt. “Did it hurt?”, people asked. It did. But the kind of pain it gave me was a familiar pain. It was tolerable after the first few letters. You get used to it, like all other pain you feel. Once it’s painful for a while, you put up with it anyway because there’s nothing left to do but feel it.
This is a reminder for me to keep holding on, even it hurts. I’m at the brink of falling off an edge, I’m not even sure where it leads. Hopefully heaven, I pray. Glad this happened so spontaneously, like everything in my life right now.
If YOU see this, I’m sorry you had to. It wasn’t meant to be shown to you. But if you must know, this was something that was completely MY choice and nobody else’s. It’s better than killing myself, so hurt myself instead. hahaha.
I must say that it has indeed been a while since I’ve let my feelings out. But in a nutshell, I’ve been lost. Lost in such a way that I find absolutely no purpose in my life. It’s not like I’m being useful. I don’t feel that I am. Then again, it’s probably my fault. It always has been. I can’t seem to pull the positivity tab out. It’s lost deep deep down, with all the shit that’s been happening.
One. I don’t understand why I’ve been so ignored, but every time I do something “wrong”, they magically appear just to tell me off and criticize me. They focus on all the wrong things I’ve been doing, but never focus on the actual hard work I put to the things I actually live for. My friends, my org, and even my school. They get mad because I’m home late all the time, yet they’re never home anyway. They scold and question “who the fuck allowed you to take the car” when they designated me to do sisterly duties and never stopped nagging me to get a license. I wanted to take my time. I had my reasons, but they pushed for it. They threaten me with the things I love, because I smoke. He said, “Smoking is the same level as premarital sex.” tangina. talaga? So if I go sleeping around, is it really the same thing as smoking a fucking cigarette? Tingnan natin. If only you knew the reason I smoked was because of you and the stress that you put me through. I know, these things are not something to complain about because others have it worse than I do, but they don’t realize the damage they’re causing with these little things. They don’t realize how much they’re pushing me away by doing that. They’re not only pushing me away, but one by one, our whole family will separate. They don’t see it but it’s starting. Close minded fools. I’m sorry your reverse psychology parenting style doesn’t work on me. Actually, I’m not that sorry.
Two. Everybody around me seems to be slowly getting what they wanted. I know it’s kind of selfish to think this way but, what about me? I want things, too. I do sacrifice a lot to help the people I care about. Maybe I care too much. I keep thinking to myself, “what am I doing wrong?” People keep saying, “Berns, you’re such a good friend.” But that’s the thing. Is that all I’m ever going to be? That’s all I’m ever going to be. A good friend. Friend. It kills me inside to see that so many people find that love I’ve been searching for so long. I thought I almost had it, but no. It wasn’t the one. I was just a really good friend. A good enough friend to just use and throw away because I was all used up. Seeing my sister who never cared about love or boys but now cannot stop talking about it, it makes me lose more hope for myself. Might as well end up as a nun, or go through Single Blessedness for that matter. It depresses me that I may not find anyone else because everything keeps going back to you. All the memories were unforgettable, as much as I wish they all were. I don’t want it to because it reminds me how much of a fool I was to think that someone could actually like me, more than a friend, the same way I liked him. I continue wear that mask to show that I am over it, but from time to time it still kills me.
Three. With everything that’s happening, I don’t see any purpose for me to be living in this world anymore. I’m not productive. I’m not happy, like, genuinely happy. I wish I were, but the negativity outnumbers everything. So many loved ones have passed away, and I always just wish that I could take their place. I don’t deserve this life. I don’t deserve to be complaining about my life, and yet I still do because I’m selfish. I don’t deserve to live. And those people that passed away are in deep need from their families. They’re gone when they are needed the most and here I am, wallowing in dispair, drinking to fall asleep and scratching myself because I’m not happy. Might as well die na rin. I wish that I will be able to see the light. To see that the fog has finally lifted. (Yes, it’s from Tangled.) They say things get better in time. But what if, this time, I don’t want it to get better? I just want this all to stop. I want it to end.
So maybe I’m not in the right state of mind right now, but typing it down helps me release. While you’re scrolling through your oh-so-wonderful-tumblr-pics, you’ll see this really long blog on some unsatisfied girl with overreacted crushed dreams and initiating suicidal thoughts, so just keep scrolling. Keep scrolling like I would.
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Amen. Time to move on, again. Again and again.
A quote from a song I randomly wrote. And currently been taking up too much space in my mind. Ugh. The bittersweet taste of infatuation.
“A soulmate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity, similarity, love, sex, intimacy, sexuality,spirituality, or compatibility.” (According to wikipedia) haha.
Sometimes you know, sometimes you don’t.
It’s been about 6 years since I’ve known you. We connect. We relate and share similar problems. We can hang out every day and not get tired of each other. We can lie on the same bed and not feel awkward about it. We can talk for hours on the phone until we fall asleep. We don’t talk for a number of months but when we meet again, we just pick up from where we left off. We don’t expect anything from each other, it’s just there. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be with you. It’s just, it’s amazing how we have that connection. It’s a connection that’s actually scary. I dream about you and it happens. I think about talking to you, being in a whole different country, place, world, and out of no where you talk to me. It’s amazing.
They say that somewhere in the past life, you were split in two and just scattered to some part of the world. Some spend their time trying to find their other half; others just meet them out of the blue. I’m not quite sure whether I’ve met mine, but it is possible.
But that’s the thing. You don’t always have to end up with your soulmate. That’s not how the world right now goes. It is possible to find them and not be with them, as long as they’re still part of your life. That’s good enough. In fact, it’s great. You can be with someone completely different; someone who changes you for the better and lets you experience new things. You can be with someone who makes you feel like you’re not like everyone else, who makes you feel special. That’s the beauty of life. Confusing, yes. But the beauty of it is that even if you’ve found your soulmate, you’re able to share that special tingly feeling with someone else. The only problem is finding that other person. That builds another journey that I have yet to discover.